EP — 13 Switch Paradigms: No More Self-Sabotage

Photo tweeted by @RebekahMillet Tea, Tuesday, and #GraceUnderPressureRadio...Thanks for sharing, Rebekah!

Photo tweeted by @RebekahMillet Tea, Tuesday, and #GraceUnderPressureRadio. Thanks for sharing, Rebekah!

Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom. — Song of Solomon 2:15

Today’s topic delves deeper into the elements of Candor by exploring self-defeating behaviors, pessimism, frustration, and helplessness. You can find more information in the book, Gems of Wisdom: For a treasure-filled life.

A special word of thanks to listener Rebecca Millet of

@RebekahMillet “Here’s what my Tuesday’s looking like. Tea & #GraceUnderPressure Radio.…@AngBreidenbach

A special word of thanks to listener Amber Weigand-Buckley, editor of Leading Hearts Magazine, who posted on Facebook: “I like to say, “Yes” a lot. But I’ve started to realize, sometimes when I say, “Yes, it means I am distracting myself from God’s plan for me. If I say “yes” to everyone, I’m distracting myself from the path I’m supposed to lead. At the end of my life I’m accountable and so are you. ” —Angela Breidenbach (Thank you for quoting me, Amber! What an honor!) –Love this lady! Listen to this episode of her radio show “Behaving Like a Confident Woman”
Episode 3

Special thanks to Diana Lesire Brandmeyer who left a very appreciated review on iTunes that says, “So glad I found this podcast. Confidence and courage are not words I’d ever use to describe myself. I’ve listened to all of the podcasts so far and the way I think about myself is already changing. Positive instruction and practical applications that I’ll be using–wait am now using!”

And then she added an email with this idea… “Okay an idea for you- addressing worry and how it affects your confidence, do you let it turn to fear or use it to fuel your actions?” Which, Diana, I want you to know that I used it during the following series on Courage and How to Handle Fears with my interview of actress, Elizabeth Diane Wells. Thank you for helping me continue to improve this show for listeners.

Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom. — Song of Solomon 2:15 (NIV)

  • Underneath the beautiful imagery, the little foxes are the things that damage relationships.
  • An interview with a friend, “Nina”, and another, “Josette”, from Gems of Wisdom: The Treasure of Experience (new title for 2nd edition of Gems of Wisdom: For a Treasure-filled Life.)
    • Trigger dates, repeat incidents, patterns caused Nina and Josette to feel like they relived the same thing over and over.
    • Repetition in negative cycles wear us out and create frustration and helplessness.
    • Other people can make it so much easier, but the closest people often won’t help.
    • Search for answers, ask lots of questions.
    • If you don’t get answers, ask someone else. Look for experts to become an expert.
    • Begin to organize repeat situations by writing them down.
    • Offer suggestions to others going through the same thing. It helps us feel the experience is valuable as we enrich other people’s lives.
    • What gifts have you gained by going through the experience?
  • Plan for predictable situations. Planning lessens frustration.
  • Are you caring for someone or a situation that has predictable elements?
  • The act of writing it down starts the brain working on the solution.
  • Think about the mother-of-pearl. A beautiful natural gem has a natural enemy, the fan worm. Parasites that bore into the shell and can wipe out the shells. Fresh water kills the fan worm pests.
  • What if you could preplan for repetition and stop it before it wipes you out?
  • Our brains are like coffee pots. Put in the idea and let it percolate. There’s a mystery in it, but the idea will be fully brewed.
  • Are you willing to keep asking? Sometimes you need to rely on more than one person.
  • Can you mentor someone with the gift you’ve discovered?
  • Hardship is opportunity that allows us to discover our giftings and callings.
  • It’s easy to get worn out and cynical. But like the character in the movie, Ground Hog Day, look for the beauty in repetition that gives us the chance to become an expert.
  • What if all of us together are able to find predictable moments and help others with what we know? Hundreds of us? Wow, we’d be a nourishing tidal wave instead of a destructive one in how we change the world!
  • Empathy creates trust. People trust those who’ve overcome difficult experiences similar to their own.
  • Encourage others with gentle truth.
  • “What about me?” We all ask it. But self-defeating behaviors make us focus on ourselves and create grudges that weigh us down. Frustration begins to fester and hurt. Realize the other person is too small to come outside themselves. Move on from the pattern of ask/refuse. Look for others that can support/assist instead.
  • Some supporters are the most unlikely people. Be open to unexpected sources of support.
  • My stepmom is a special person who has been so supportive. I’m so grateful for that every day! Stepmoms are really special people who often don’t get recognition for their support and sacrifice. Thank you to mine for her support!
  • What if you mess up and the pattern happens again? Give yourself grace. It will happen again. Think it through and try again.
  • Play the “what if” game to brainstorm solutions.
  • Live in the choice long enough to allow a result to happen. Sometimes we don’t live in the choice long enough and keep bouncing all over the place. Look at the pros/cons and adjust.
  • A woman of candor is willing to be honest enough to talk to someone else and to offer help when someone else asks. She’s willing to share and hear the truth.
  • Tips from People In The Trenches Caring for a Loved One 10 Tips from the Trenches.
  • Ultimately, think about those things that repeat so you aren’t constantly caught unaware.
  • Self-defeating behaviors are the little foxes that we don’t plan and prepare for.
  • Please send Angela Breidenbach a tweet, a facebook post, a note from the contact page, or post a comment here with your thoughts, ideas, questions.
  • I’m truly honored you spent your time with me. May you be blessed that you may bless others.

Our new topic for the next series on Grace Under Pressure Radio will be Boundaries

Did you miss past episodes? Easy link to subscribe on iTunes.

Episode 1 starts the series on Confidence

Episode 5 starts the series on Courage

Episode 10 starts the series on Candor


EP—12 What do you mean be merciful?


EP—12 What do you mean be merciful?

Angie B. 345

I love synchro!

Part 3 in the Grace Under Pressure Radio series on Becoming a Woman of Candor…Did you miss the others?

Here’s Part 1 Speaking the truth in love,

Part 2 What role does acceptance play?

  • What role does Mercy play in candor?
  • Speaking the truth in love is allowing mercy instead of perfectionism.
  • Worrying about everyone else being able to do it “better” is futile.
  • We’ll never be perfect.
  • Perfectionism is different than God’s perfection. It’s humans trying to “be” God.
  • There’s sin in the world and we’re human.
  • Are you out to get the last word? Focusing on the wrong things makes us unmerciful. Why do you have to get the last word or win with a “zinger”?
Some doors close to redirect us.
Some doors close to redirect us.
  • What if you weren’t supposed to walk through a door of opportunity?
  • What if you walked through an opportunity door and it caused harm to someone else?
  • “Should” and “wish” are dangerous words.
  • Some doors close so we can be redirected and become a better human being. What if that door closed so you can choose to avoid hurting someone else?
  • Story of being invited to swim on the Nevada State Syncro Team. 
    Loving the freedom in the water!
    Loving the freedom in the water!
  • What would life have been like if you’d been able to do that one thing you didn’t?
  • Why didn’t you?
  • Are you blaming someone else for the lack of opportunity? (There are times when someone plays a role, but are you so busy scapegoating someone else that you haven’t given mercy to them or yourself?)
  • Another way to think about it: If I really wanted to do that, maybe there might have been another way.
  • Would that desire still be the same joyous freedom for you today if it became your “work”?
  • Are we so hooked on that idea of perfectionism from the past that we assume it’s a sad, missed opportunity? It’s more likely a redirection.
  • If you still want that desire, do you need more education? Have you taken the steps to get educated on what needs to happen?
    Getting trained in synchronized swimming meant finding my own coach! Now I can have fun on my schedule.
    Getting trained in synchronized swimming meant finding my own coach! Now I can have fun on my schedule. What do you want to learn just for the joy of it?
  • Coveting is a blackened heart. Just because someone else achieved what we want. What do we need to do to achieve it?
  • Every blessing someone has includes circumstances and responsibility. We have to answer to God about how we use our abilities, talents, blessings.
  • When envy gets in the way, we get so busy focusing on what someone else has that it takes us off-track for our own goals and desires.
  • Have you been told that everything you do is wrong? If you’ve been told that, you’ve been told a lie. Give yourself the mercy to discover your own talents and abilities. Then get educated on how to use them and build them.
  • Use mercy for those people who’ve spoken lies into your life. They just don’t know better.
  • When we blame Adam and Eve for biting the fruit and committing the first sin, we forget they were just human, too. We all would have made the same mistake because we all want things our own way.
  • When we don’t make the right choice, God is merciful to us and helps us find our way back.
  • Don’t focus on the mistake as much as you focus on the solution.
  • Admit the mistake and then allow others to help you find a new way to solve the problem.
  • God’s plan is a lot bigger than our mistakes, our wishes, and our “should”.
  • Recognize it, live in our reality, and be merciful to yourself and others so you can walk forward. How can you get to where you need to go now?
  • It’s more fun to be multidimensional. Even the most beautiful gem has its own flaws. It makes that gem uniquely identifiable. Just like each one of us. The flaws we’ve overcome help us to be unique and helpful to others.
  • By sharing what we’ve overcome, we offer tools to someone else to help them.
  • When you embrace all the flaws that you’ve experienced, you become uniquely you and able to make a difference in the lives around you.
  • How often do you use “should” and “wish”? What can you replace them with?
  • Stop the envy. Walk a mile in your brother’s moccasins. If we knew all the struggles another person has, we’d be shocked and wouldn’t want to walk in their shoes.
  • Perfectionism holds us hostage. Let go of judgment and “should”. Don’t be like Lot’s wife, a woman who can’t let go of the past.
  • It’s merciful to release yourself and others from unrealistic expectations. You’ll be more joyful and experience a lot less irritation and frustration. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
  • Speak the truth in love with mercy as your guiding light.
  • 14: 30 (NIV) A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy can rot the bones.

Next week we discuss “Understanding paradigms in candor”.

Did you miss a show? 

Episode 00 Welcomes and describes Grace Under Pressure Radio

Episode 05 Kicks off the Courage series by interviewing actress Elizabeth Wells

Episode 10 Starts this series on becoming a woman of candor