The Common Sense of Consideration (Graciousness, part 2 of 4)


Grace Under Pressure Radio Episode 19 — The Common Sense of Consideration

Consideration allows others to be who they are and make their own mistakes even when it makes no sense. Yes, we can argue logic but…arguing, confrontation, and logic don’t solve most problems…

Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out. —Proverbs 17: 14, NIV

Tip: Deflect and reflect.

It's cold in Montana winters!

It’s cold in Montana winters!


Cool kids still have to learn to make great choices!

The football game = natural consequences…it’s cold in the winter in Montana!

  • Sometimes folks need to learn because of their experience. Don’t rob them of that! A quick story about my youngest son and my exchange son…and their choice that taught a lesson no words could have about wearing the proper winter garb to a 10 degree football game…
  • What happens when saying it nicely doesn’t work?
  • What does it take to get the point across?
  • Is it really necessary to win the argument?
  • What if most arguments camouflage the need to be right?
  • I’m right, and you’re wrong. This stiff-necked or rebellious attitude doesn’t solve any problem. It doesn’t move a stubborn Alzheimer’s patient into a different frame of mind or a rebellious teen any closer to what’s “good for them.” Black and white legalistic logic doesn’t make a schizophrenic suddenly believe your reality over what’s in his or her head. The right/wrong stance creates opponents, not team players. So why play tug of war just to be right? Pulling the other party into the mud puddle just leaves them covered in mud.
  • Love and Logic is a parenting program that teaches excellent skills. Often people repeat the same mistake until a memorable lesson sinks in. Master the art or affordability. An affordable mistake allows natural consequences to curb the desire. Similar to the boys’ experience at the football game, affordable consequences that have a little healthy pain teach good life lessons versus being life threatening or causing irreparable damage. The early affordable lesson prevents the likelihood of an expensive lesson later.
  • An expensive mistake is one that could cost life, limb, or irreplaceable damage. One example from Love and Logic is a child running out in front of a car. That’s not an affordable error. It would cause irreparable harm. You must intervene to avoid irreversible results.
  • The surprise is that this concept can work for adult decisions. Who said that all wisdom should be directed at childrearing? Ask yourself:
  • Is it an affordable mistake?
  • Is it at the expense of someone or something else?
  • Expensive or expense of?
  • Sometimes an expensive mistake is worth a later result. Think of a rough situation. Say that a young man chooses to hurt a girl’s feelings. The girl decides to break up with him but keeps the ring and other gifts he’s given her.
  • Hurting his girlfriend’s feelings is expensive, but to make that mistake with a wife could be even more expensive. Weigh the lesson you learn now against the cost of learning it later, which may have a higher price.
  • Think about expensive versus expense of. Sometimes it is a good idea for a boy to learn that mistreatment of women causes loss of relationship. What if that same young man had learned earlier in life that speaking disrespectfully to women resulted in being shunned from family activities? It would be tough on a little boy, sure, but which is a harder lesson to learn: the loss of family time or the loss of a girlfriend? Which would be even more expensive, the loss of family time, the loss of the girlfriend, or the loss of a wife?
  • Project the needed lesson into the future and acknowledge the degree of difficulty. Things get harder and consequences become more dear as you mature, not the other way around.
  • When you begin to teach affordable versus expensive natural consequences, logic floats to the surface sooner. What happens when the other person isn’t logical? When mental illness or long years of habit or rebellion block logical response to obvious consequences?
  • The alexandrite changes colors in different lighting, indoor and outdoor. Much like the precious gem there are different ways to look at the situation; but it’s very hard to nearly impossible to fabricate something as good as the natural result of a poor decision.
  • What is important — the satisfied feeling of being right or solving the problem?
  • What good does it do to argue logic against the illogical? You just get frustrated.
  • Does saying “You should” make any difference?
  • Don’t accept counsel or be a person who counsels with “you should.” Don’t accept counsel from angry people or politically correct mantras. The focus becomes appeasing their anger rather than solving the dilemma. Remember to apply this to your children, too. Do you really want them to appease your anger or to learn how to solve problems as they mature?
  • Don’t try to argue or use anger to solve a problem. It will really trip you up to argue with patients with dementia or mental illness. Logic isn’t in their realm. Why get all out of kilter right along with them? Think about it: That’s buying into the illness or rebellion rather than creative problem solving. If the only thing that matters is being correct or correcting, let it go. Save the argument for some time when it really matters.
  • Do get counseling for yourself. You have to deal with feelings and issues that exist, otherwise the lack of trust, as well as unforgiveness and anger, will overcome you.
  • Do find others who have been through a similar situation or are further ahead on the journey, and have come out the other side. They think a little more clearly and can sometimes help you get rid of the unreasonable fears and recognize problems in your logic too. The closer we are to a situation, the easier it is to blur it.
  • Admit that there are unreal and real fears and that both feel legit. Cope by getting educated. Learn as much as possible about the situation or fear.
  • Be proactive rather than reactive.
  • Pray and make intelligent decisions rather than being paralyzed and making emotional decisions.
  • Act to the best of your ability with the tools you have been given throughout your life. Work with what you know, and ask others what they know. These are excellent starting points.
  • Add to your toolbox each time. Every experience will add another tool, even if it is uncomfortable and it hurts. Learn from those, and let others learn too.
  • Use your new questions: Is it an affordable mistake? Is it too expensive? What would be the higher experience expense: pay now or pay later? What’s the worst that could happen? Can I live with that? When the worst that could happen is mere discomfort, can discomfort be the lesson?
Light purple alexandrite

   Light purple alexandrite

      • Scientists tried to create alexandrite in the lab. They found out that the cost was too high when compared with mining the real stone. But they wouldn’t have known without trying, and they learned some valuable lessons.
      • Our boys wear warm clothing to cold football games because they learned it on their own. Our experience with teens helped us to look for more creative ways to solve repetitive mistakes. If there’s a pattern, it will happen again. Plan, and then wait until it happens again to try something new.
      • Wrapping it up: I will practice putting my attention on the problem and not getting distracted by arguing logic or political correctness or semantics. I will allow others to voice their beliefs, communicating that I accept it’s not my right to force a change. It’s also my right not to be forced to change. The issue is solving the problem, not being right.
      • Appreciation Moments: I wish I could say more, but with limited time I want to at least say thank you to as many as I can for sharing Grace Under Pressure Radio and helping to promote the books I write. I’m so appreciative that you’d take your time to support me!

Janet Hewitt @yell_oohhCarol McClain @carol_mcclainKaren Whiting author @KarenHWhiting

and Sherri WilsonJohnson @swj_thewriter 

      • Thank you also to folks on Facebook for sharing the new releases on Kindle and Audible of The Debutante Queen and Eleven Pipers Piping… Sheila Traczuk, Tina Wilson, and Tristan Leder (who happened to voice the audiobooks). But also a big thank you to folks that are first reviewers like Harry Wegley and his wife who gave The Debutante Queen 5 stars after listening to the story in the car on a long drive. Thank you all!

Did you miss any of the previous shows? Here’s the first in each series…







EP—12 What do you mean be merciful?


EP—12 What do you mean be merciful?

Angie B. 345

I love synchro!

Part 3 in the Grace Under Pressure Radio series on Becoming a Woman of Candor…Did you miss the others?

Here’s Part 1 Speaking the truth in love,

Part 2 What role does acceptance play?

  • What role does Mercy play in candor?
  • Speaking the truth in love is allowing mercy instead of perfectionism.
  • Worrying about everyone else being able to do it “better” is futile.
  • We’ll never be perfect.
  • Perfectionism is different than God’s perfection. It’s humans trying to “be” God.
  • There’s sin in the world and we’re human.
  • Are you out to get the last word? Focusing on the wrong things makes us unmerciful. Why do you have to get the last word or win with a “zinger”?
Some doors close to redirect us.
Some doors close to redirect us.
  • What if you weren’t supposed to walk through a door of opportunity?
  • What if you walked through an opportunity door and it caused harm to someone else?
  • “Should” and “wish” are dangerous words.
  • Some doors close so we can be redirected and become a better human being. What if that door closed so you can choose to avoid hurting someone else?
  • Story of being invited to swim on the Nevada State Syncro Team. 
    Loving the freedom in the water!
    Loving the freedom in the water!
  • What would life have been like if you’d been able to do that one thing you didn’t?
  • Why didn’t you?
  • Are you blaming someone else for the lack of opportunity? (There are times when someone plays a role, but are you so busy scapegoating someone else that you haven’t given mercy to them or yourself?)
  • Another way to think about it: If I really wanted to do that, maybe there might have been another way.
  • Would that desire still be the same joyous freedom for you today if it became your “work”?
  • Are we so hooked on that idea of perfectionism from the past that we assume it’s a sad, missed opportunity? It’s more likely a redirection.
  • If you still want that desire, do you need more education? Have you taken the steps to get educated on what needs to happen?
    Getting trained in synchronized swimming meant finding my own coach! Now I can have fun on my schedule.
    Getting trained in synchronized swimming meant finding my own coach! Now I can have fun on my schedule. What do you want to learn just for the joy of it?
  • Coveting is a blackened heart. Just because someone else achieved what we want. What do we need to do to achieve it?
  • Every blessing someone has includes circumstances and responsibility. We have to answer to God about how we use our abilities, talents, blessings.
  • When envy gets in the way, we get so busy focusing on what someone else has that it takes us off-track for our own goals and desires.
  • Have you been told that everything you do is wrong? If you’ve been told that, you’ve been told a lie. Give yourself the mercy to discover your own talents and abilities. Then get educated on how to use them and build them.
  • Use mercy for those people who’ve spoken lies into your life. They just don’t know better.
  • When we blame Adam and Eve for biting the fruit and committing the first sin, we forget they were just human, too. We all would have made the same mistake because we all want things our own way.
  • When we don’t make the right choice, God is merciful to us and helps us find our way back.
  • Don’t focus on the mistake as much as you focus on the solution.
  • Admit the mistake and then allow others to help you find a new way to solve the problem.
  • God’s plan is a lot bigger than our mistakes, our wishes, and our “should”.
  • Recognize it, live in our reality, and be merciful to yourself and others so you can walk forward. How can you get to where you need to go now?
  • It’s more fun to be multidimensional. Even the most beautiful gem has its own flaws. It makes that gem uniquely identifiable. Just like each one of us. The flaws we’ve overcome help us to be unique and helpful to others.
  • By sharing what we’ve overcome, we offer tools to someone else to help them.
  • When you embrace all the flaws that you’ve experienced, you become uniquely you and able to make a difference in the lives around you.
  • How often do you use “should” and “wish”? What can you replace them with?
  • Stop the envy. Walk a mile in your brother’s moccasins. If we knew all the struggles another person has, we’d be shocked and wouldn’t want to walk in their shoes.
  • Perfectionism holds us hostage. Let go of judgment and “should”. Don’t be like Lot’s wife, a woman who can’t let go of the past.
  • It’s merciful to release yourself and others from unrealistic expectations. You’ll be more joyful and experience a lot less irritation and frustration. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
  • Speak the truth in love with mercy as your guiding light.
  • 14: 30 (NIV) A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy can rot the bones.

Next week we discuss “Understanding paradigms in candor”.

Did you miss a show? 

Episode 00 Welcomes and describes Grace Under Pressure Radio

Episode 05 Kicks off the Courage series by interviewing actress Elizabeth Wells

Episode 10 Starts this series on becoming a woman of candor


EP-11 What Role Does Acceptance Play in Candor


EP_11 What role does Acceptance play in candor?

A soft touch verbally or physically helps manage a rough moment.

A soft touch verbally or physically helps manage a rough moment, even when Muse swipes my chair.

  • Acceptance is the first step to becoming a woman of candor. We have to know ourselves as well as other people.
  • 1 Cor. 13: 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child…
  • When we bring our childhood beliefs and reactions into adulthood, we don’t always choose the best reactions/actions.
  • How do we recognize when misperceptions skew reality around us?
  • Walking away and standing up for ourselves or other people are both wise in specific situations.
  • Am I fully awake in the situation, paying attention?
  • Do I understand what I’m supposed to be saying or doing in the situation?
  • Rachel’s story…
  • I have no magical powers to change things and make what I want happen. I only have the power of love.
  • Is magical thinking an issue for you?
  • Women of candor recognize reality.
  • What holds you back, and those you love, from being who and what you need to be?
  • Accept the way it is. Once we begin to understand how to accept reality, the obstacles begin to fall.
  • Going back to familiar behaviors means the familiar outcome. But that doesn’t mean the familiar outcome is positive.
  • Don’t let yourself be pulled into magical thinking and ignores reality.
  • Acceptance is to be resigned to reality, not from it. It’s not quitting.
  • Circumstances are what they are. Once we’ve accepted the direction we need to go, then we can use the gift of candor to gain a different outcome.
  • Feelings exist and don’t belong to anyone else. They just are. They’re your feelings.
  • Practice living in the truth, accept life for what it is, and speak the truth in love so you become a lighter-hearted, happier person. Let go of the past and go forward into a better future.

Next week is how Mercy is an important part of candor. Go forth and shine like the dawn as you accept life as it is so you can choose where you will go from here.

Did you miss the first episode in this series on Candor?

Episode 10 Candor: Speaking the Truth in Love

Previous topics: Confidence (4 part series)

Episode 01 The Difference Between Confidence and Courage

Or: Courage (5 part series)

Episode 05 Facing Our Fears part 1