The Common Sense of Consideration (Graciousness, part 2 of 4)


Grace Under Pressure Radio Episode 19 — The Common Sense of Consideration

Consideration allows others to be who they are and make their own mistakes even when it makes no sense. Yes, we can argue logic but…arguing, confrontation, and logic don’t solve most problems…

Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out. —Proverbs 17: 14, NIV

Tip: Deflect and reflect.

It's cold in Montana winters!

It’s cold in Montana winters!


Cool kids still have to learn to make great choices!

The football game = natural consequences…it’s cold in the winter in Montana!

  • Sometimes folks need to learn because of their experience. Don’t rob them of that! A quick story about my youngest son and my exchange son…and their choice that taught a lesson no words could have about wearing the proper winter garb to a 10 degree football game…
  • What happens when saying it nicely doesn’t work?
  • What does it take to get the point across?
  • Is it really necessary to win the argument?
  • What if most arguments camouflage the need to be right?
  • I’m right, and you’re wrong. This stiff-necked or rebellious attitude doesn’t solve any problem. It doesn’t move a stubborn Alzheimer’s patient into a different frame of mind or a rebellious teen any closer to what’s “good for them.” Black and white legalistic logic doesn’t make a schizophrenic suddenly believe your reality over what’s in his or her head. The right/wrong stance creates opponents, not team players. So why play tug of war just to be right? Pulling the other party into the mud puddle just leaves them covered in mud.
  • Love and Logic is a parenting program that teaches excellent skills. Often people repeat the same mistake until a memorable lesson sinks in. Master the art or affordability. An affordable mistake allows natural consequences to curb the desire. Similar to the boys’ experience at the football game, affordable consequences that have a little healthy pain teach good life lessons versus being life threatening or causing irreparable damage. The early affordable lesson prevents the likelihood of an expensive lesson later.
  • An expensive mistake is one that could cost life, limb, or irreplaceable damage. One example from Love and Logic is a child running out in front of a car. That’s not an affordable error. It would cause irreparable harm. You must intervene to avoid irreversible results.
  • The surprise is that this concept can work for adult decisions. Who said that all wisdom should be directed at childrearing? Ask yourself:
  • Is it an affordable mistake?
  • Is it at the expense of someone or something else?
  • Expensive or expense of?
  • Sometimes an expensive mistake is worth a later result. Think of a rough situation. Say that a young man chooses to hurt a girl’s feelings. The girl decides to break up with him but keeps the ring and other gifts he’s given her.
  • Hurting his girlfriend’s feelings is expensive, but to make that mistake with a wife could be even more expensive. Weigh the lesson you learn now against the cost of learning it later, which may have a higher price.
  • Think about expensive versus expense of. Sometimes it is a good idea for a boy to learn that mistreatment of women causes loss of relationship. What if that same young man had learned earlier in life that speaking disrespectfully to women resulted in being shunned from family activities? It would be tough on a little boy, sure, but which is a harder lesson to learn: the loss of family time or the loss of a girlfriend? Which would be even more expensive, the loss of family time, the loss of the girlfriend, or the loss of a wife?
  • Project the needed lesson into the future and acknowledge the degree of difficulty. Things get harder and consequences become more dear as you mature, not the other way around.
  • When you begin to teach affordable versus expensive natural consequences, logic floats to the surface sooner. What happens when the other person isn’t logical? When mental illness or long years of habit or rebellion block logical response to obvious consequences?
  • The alexandrite changes colors in different lighting, indoor and outdoor. Much like the precious gem there are different ways to look at the situation; but it’s very hard to nearly impossible to fabricate something as good as the natural result of a poor decision.
  • What is important — the satisfied feeling of being right or solving the problem?
  • What good does it do to argue logic against the illogical? You just get frustrated.
  • Does saying “You should” make any difference?
  • Don’t accept counsel or be a person who counsels with “you should.” Don’t accept counsel from angry people or politically correct mantras. The focus becomes appeasing their anger rather than solving the dilemma. Remember to apply this to your children, too. Do you really want them to appease your anger or to learn how to solve problems as they mature?
  • Don’t try to argue or use anger to solve a problem. It will really trip you up to argue with patients with dementia or mental illness. Logic isn’t in their realm. Why get all out of kilter right along with them? Think about it: That’s buying into the illness or rebellion rather than creative problem solving. If the only thing that matters is being correct or correcting, let it go. Save the argument for some time when it really matters.
  • Do get counseling for yourself. You have to deal with feelings and issues that exist, otherwise the lack of trust, as well as unforgiveness and anger, will overcome you.
  • Do find others who have been through a similar situation or are further ahead on the journey, and have come out the other side. They think a little more clearly and can sometimes help you get rid of the unreasonable fears and recognize problems in your logic too. The closer we are to a situation, the easier it is to blur it.
  • Admit that there are unreal and real fears and that both feel legit. Cope by getting educated. Learn as much as possible about the situation or fear.
  • Be proactive rather than reactive.
  • Pray and make intelligent decisions rather than being paralyzed and making emotional decisions.
  • Act to the best of your ability with the tools you have been given throughout your life. Work with what you know, and ask others what they know. These are excellent starting points.
  • Add to your toolbox each time. Every experience will add another tool, even if it is uncomfortable and it hurts. Learn from those, and let others learn too.
  • Use your new questions: Is it an affordable mistake? Is it too expensive? What would be the higher experience expense: pay now or pay later? What’s the worst that could happen? Can I live with that? When the worst that could happen is mere discomfort, can discomfort be the lesson?
Light purple alexandrite

   Light purple alexandrite

      • Scientists tried to create alexandrite in the lab. They found out that the cost was too high when compared with mining the real stone. But they wouldn’t have known without trying, and they learned some valuable lessons.
      • Our boys wear warm clothing to cold football games because they learned it on their own. Our experience with teens helped us to look for more creative ways to solve repetitive mistakes. If there’s a pattern, it will happen again. Plan, and then wait until it happens again to try something new.
      • Wrapping it up: I will practice putting my attention on the problem and not getting distracted by arguing logic or political correctness or semantics. I will allow others to voice their beliefs, communicating that I accept it’s not my right to force a change. It’s also my right not to be forced to change. The issue is solving the problem, not being right.
      • Appreciation Moments: I wish I could say more, but with limited time I want to at least say thank you to as many as I can for sharing Grace Under Pressure Radio and helping to promote the books I write. I’m so appreciative that you’d take your time to support me!

Janet Hewitt @yell_oohhCarol McClain @carol_mcclainKaren Whiting author @KarenHWhiting

and Sherri WilsonJohnson @swj_thewriter 

      • Thank you also to folks on Facebook for sharing the new releases on Kindle and Audible of The Debutante Queen and Eleven Pipers Piping… Sheila Traczuk, Tina Wilson, and Tristan Leder (who happened to voice the audiobooks). But also a big thank you to folks that are first reviewers like Harry Wegley and his wife who gave The Debutante Queen 5 stars after listening to the story in the car on a long drive. Thank you all!

Did you miss any of the previous shows? Here’s the first in each series…







EP — 13 Switch Paradigms: No More Self-Sabotage

Photo tweeted by @RebekahMillet Tea, Tuesday, and #GraceUnderPressureRadio...Thanks for sharing, Rebekah!

Photo tweeted by @RebekahMillet Tea, Tuesday, and #GraceUnderPressureRadio. Thanks for sharing, Rebekah!

Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom. — Song of Solomon 2:15

Today’s topic delves deeper into the elements of Candor by exploring self-defeating behaviors, pessimism, frustration, and helplessness. You can find more information in the book, Gems of Wisdom: For a treasure-filled life.

A special word of thanks to listener Rebecca Millet of

@RebekahMillet “Here’s what my Tuesday’s looking like. Tea & #GraceUnderPressure Radio.…@AngBreidenbach

A special word of thanks to listener Amber Weigand-Buckley, editor of Leading Hearts Magazine, who posted on Facebook: “I like to say, “Yes” a lot. But I’ve started to realize, sometimes when I say, “Yes, it means I am distracting myself from God’s plan for me. If I say “yes” to everyone, I’m distracting myself from the path I’m supposed to lead. At the end of my life I’m accountable and so are you. ” —Angela Breidenbach (Thank you for quoting me, Amber! What an honor!) –Love this lady! Listen to this episode of her radio show “Behaving Like a Confident Woman”
Episode 3

Special thanks to Diana Lesire Brandmeyer who left a very appreciated review on iTunes that says, “So glad I found this podcast. Confidence and courage are not words I’d ever use to describe myself. I’ve listened to all of the podcasts so far and the way I think about myself is already changing. Positive instruction and practical applications that I’ll be using–wait am now using!”

And then she added an email with this idea… “Okay an idea for you- addressing worry and how it affects your confidence, do you let it turn to fear or use it to fuel your actions?” Which, Diana, I want you to know that I used it during the following series on Courage and How to Handle Fears with my interview of actress, Elizabeth Diane Wells. Thank you for helping me continue to improve this show for listeners.

Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom. — Song of Solomon 2:15 (NIV)

  • Underneath the beautiful imagery, the little foxes are the things that damage relationships.
  • An interview with a friend, “Nina”, and another, “Josette”, from Gems of Wisdom: The Treasure of Experience (new title for 2nd edition of Gems of Wisdom: For a Treasure-filled Life.)
    • Trigger dates, repeat incidents, patterns caused Nina and Josette to feel like they relived the same thing over and over.
    • Repetition in negative cycles wear us out and create frustration and helplessness.
    • Other people can make it so much easier, but the closest people often won’t help.
    • Search for answers, ask lots of questions.
    • If you don’t get answers, ask someone else. Look for experts to become an expert.
    • Begin to organize repeat situations by writing them down.
    • Offer suggestions to others going through the same thing. It helps us feel the experience is valuable as we enrich other people’s lives.
    • What gifts have you gained by going through the experience?
  • Plan for predictable situations. Planning lessens frustration.
  • Are you caring for someone or a situation that has predictable elements?
  • The act of writing it down starts the brain working on the solution.
  • Think about the mother-of-pearl. A beautiful natural gem has a natural enemy, the fan worm. Parasites that bore into the shell and can wipe out the shells. Fresh water kills the fan worm pests.
  • What if you could preplan for repetition and stop it before it wipes you out?
  • Our brains are like coffee pots. Put in the idea and let it percolate. There’s a mystery in it, but the idea will be fully brewed.
  • Are you willing to keep asking? Sometimes you need to rely on more than one person.
  • Can you mentor someone with the gift you’ve discovered?
  • Hardship is opportunity that allows us to discover our giftings and callings.
  • It’s easy to get worn out and cynical. But like the character in the movie, Ground Hog Day, look for the beauty in repetition that gives us the chance to become an expert.
  • What if all of us together are able to find predictable moments and help others with what we know? Hundreds of us? Wow, we’d be a nourishing tidal wave instead of a destructive one in how we change the world!
  • Empathy creates trust. People trust those who’ve overcome difficult experiences similar to their own.
  • Encourage others with gentle truth.
  • “What about me?” We all ask it. But self-defeating behaviors make us focus on ourselves and create grudges that weigh us down. Frustration begins to fester and hurt. Realize the other person is too small to come outside themselves. Move on from the pattern of ask/refuse. Look for others that can support/assist instead.
  • Some supporters are the most unlikely people. Be open to unexpected sources of support.
  • My stepmom is a special person who has been so supportive. I’m so grateful for that every day! Stepmoms are really special people who often don’t get recognition for their support and sacrifice. Thank you to mine for her support!
  • What if you mess up and the pattern happens again? Give yourself grace. It will happen again. Think it through and try again.
  • Play the “what if” game to brainstorm solutions.
  • Live in the choice long enough to allow a result to happen. Sometimes we don’t live in the choice long enough and keep bouncing all over the place. Look at the pros/cons and adjust.
  • A woman of candor is willing to be honest enough to talk to someone else and to offer help when someone else asks. She’s willing to share and hear the truth.
  • Tips from People In The Trenches Caring for a Loved One 10 Tips from the Trenches.
  • Ultimately, think about those things that repeat so you aren’t constantly caught unaware.
  • Self-defeating behaviors are the little foxes that we don’t plan and prepare for.
  • Please send Angela Breidenbach a tweet, a facebook post, a note from the contact page, or post a comment here with your thoughts, ideas, questions.
  • I’m truly honored you spent your time with me. May you be blessed that you may bless others.

Our new topic for the next series on Grace Under Pressure Radio will be Boundaries

Did you miss past episodes? Easy link to subscribe on iTunes.

Episode 1 starts the series on Confidence

Episode 5 starts the series on Courage

Episode 10 starts the series on Candor


EP-11 What Role Does Acceptance Play in Candor


EP_11 What role does Acceptance play in candor?

A soft touch verbally or physically helps manage a rough moment.

A soft touch verbally or physically helps manage a rough moment, even when Muse swipes my chair.

  • Acceptance is the first step to becoming a woman of candor. We have to know ourselves as well as other people.
  • 1 Cor. 13: 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child…
  • When we bring our childhood beliefs and reactions into adulthood, we don’t always choose the best reactions/actions.
  • How do we recognize when misperceptions skew reality around us?
  • Walking away and standing up for ourselves or other people are both wise in specific situations.
  • Am I fully awake in the situation, paying attention?
  • Do I understand what I’m supposed to be saying or doing in the situation?
  • Rachel’s story…
  • I have no magical powers to change things and make what I want happen. I only have the power of love.
  • Is magical thinking an issue for you?
  • Women of candor recognize reality.
  • What holds you back, and those you love, from being who and what you need to be?
  • Accept the way it is. Once we begin to understand how to accept reality, the obstacles begin to fall.
  • Going back to familiar behaviors means the familiar outcome. But that doesn’t mean the familiar outcome is positive.
  • Don’t let yourself be pulled into magical thinking and ignores reality.
  • Acceptance is to be resigned to reality, not from it. It’s not quitting.
  • Circumstances are what they are. Once we’ve accepted the direction we need to go, then we can use the gift of candor to gain a different outcome.
  • Feelings exist and don’t belong to anyone else. They just are. They’re your feelings.
  • Practice living in the truth, accept life for what it is, and speak the truth in love so you become a lighter-hearted, happier person. Let go of the past and go forward into a better future.

Next week is how Mercy is an important part of candor. Go forth and shine like the dawn as you accept life as it is so you can choose where you will go from here.

Did you miss the first episode in this series on Candor?

Episode 10 Candor: Speaking the Truth in Love

Previous topics: Confidence (4 part series)

Episode 01 The Difference Between Confidence and Courage

Or: Courage (5 part series)

Episode 05 Facing Our Fears part 1